OutWorks - Bust Your Outdated Beliefs (BYOB)

Overview:

Description:

In my seminars and one-on-one career coaching in the LGBT community there are many commonalities. Among those commonalities exists the fact that, in general, people hold on to old beliefs, consciously and unconsciously, whether or not they support the achievement of desired results. These beliefs often influence reality and our experiences at work.

I have a client who works for a large consulting firm. John (name changed to protect identity) is very successful in his financial career; however, his concern is that he is sometimes not as interactive with the people that he works with on a social level. He fears that this could have negative ramifications for his position. For instance, perhaps there is a possibility that this lack of interaction could elicit feelings from others that John is not a "team player." As we explored this, we discovered that what is influencing John to keep to himself is the belief that people may not be fully comfortable with him being totally out as a gay man at work. So, unconsciously he pulled back from deeper interactions.

Flash forward a few weeks. John's boss invited him to attend an opening gala for an organization where he sits on the board. The invitation came last minute so John decided to invite a co-worker of the opposite sex to attend. In addition, John was not sure his boss would be comfortable with him bringing a date of the same sex to the gala. The gala came and went, and John's boss approached him at the office. He said to John, "You know, if you have someone you are dating, it would be more than ok for you to bring them to these kinds of events." John was both shocked and relieved. It became blatantly evident that the experience John was having was not based in reality. It was based on an irrational belief that he was holding onto that said, "I am not ok being myself." John learned that his beliefs conscious or unconscious have profound influence over reality.

The belief, in this instance is an irrational belief, which is a decision that has been made in the past that may no longer be true. For instance, it is not true that in all circumstances John is not ok being himself. After the decision is made it becomes unconscious, and is unknowingly triggered as a result of an event that elicits feelings similar to what was experienced when it was originally made. John, and many gay people learn very early that it is not always safe to be open about sexual orientation. John, specifically, remembered instances in which he internalized the belief that it was not ok for him to be himself. He remembers feeling ashamed when his father resisted some of his feminine tendencies. He also remembers that when he came out of the closet he was advised not to come out to everyone because, "you don't know who is going to have issues with you being gay, particularly, at work." As a result, even though it turned out that John was ok being himself at work he was unconsciously influenced by the irrational belief, which had him fearing for the ramifications of his behavior at work.

How do you bust these old beliefs?

1. Awareness

You resolve this by bringing your awareness to the unconscious belief and locating the original source (the decision John made when he came out of the closet or when he experienced shame).

2. Acknowledgement

Once you are aware of the source of your irrational belief acknowledge whatever feelings may still be present about the original experience.

3. Self-forgiveness

Forgive yourself for buying into the irrational belief. Forgiving yourself may sound like this; "I forgive myself for buying into the belief I am not ok being myself at work or that people are not ok with me being myself."

4. Update

Once you have forgiven yourself update the belief. Now that you have uncovered and resolved the irrational belief you can update it to something that is truthful. In this instance updating the irrational belief might sound like, "It is ok for me to be out and fully self expressed at work and in all areas of my life" Write it down and use it like a mantra. Stick it on an index card and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Put it on a card and pin it to your office corkboard. Look at it and repeat it regularly until the new belief replaces the old, unconscious, negative belief.

I am not suggesting in the example used of John at work that it is safe to be ourselves completely in one hundred percent of work environments. It is true that there is still a lot of work to be done to help organizations understand the importance of making work a safe place for LGBT people. However, I am suggesting that one of the places where we can have influence is on the choice to consciously determine whether or not outdated beliefs are not working for us. Again, there is still work to be done to ensure safety and equality for the LGBT community. However, as a group we have come a long way. Don't let your old beliefs hold you back.

Copyright, 2008. Jason Mannino. All Rights Reserved

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Submitted by:

Jason Mannino

Date added:

Wednesday, 12 Nov 2008